urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22 You can't catch butterflies The disappearing act. 2005-12-03T17:01:49Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:6532 2005-12-03T17:01:49Z 2005-12-03T17:01:49Z so theres never a place of freedom, or escape, unless its a kept secret. <br /><br /><br />it's hard to keep secrets from the people you love. especially since when they find out, theres the "why didn't you tell me about that?" or "why would you want to keep it a secret". Not that the secrets even bad, just that its a <i>secret</i>.<br /><br /><br />sigh. I feel dead. and I feel like I should be forgotten. and I feel mean. and I feel horrible. <br /><br /><br /><br /><c> I feel alone urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:6370 2005-01-05T03:58:14Z 2005-01-05T03:58:14Z what am i doing?<br /><br /><br /><br />i love him. but there's always more.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />the first cut is the deepest... and it keeps reopening.<br /><br /><br />but the thing I have to think about is... is it worth it?<br /><br />is it painful?<br /><br />am i hurting myself?<br /><br />do i want this? him?<br /><br />what do i want?<br /><br />it's a new year. a new start. a year almost to when we broke up. a new beginning.<br /><br /><br />god help me make the right choices. or don't let me repeat the ones that were wrong. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:5988 2004-04-20T03:42:12Z 2004-04-20T03:42:12Z My weakness caused you pain urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:5800 2004-04-12T03:03:14Z 2004-04-12T03:03:14Z Everything looks better under orange tinted lights<br />we get to hide our faces from those to see<br />what a case of hypnotic wanderlust<br />to disappear from all those who see what we don't want to be<br /><br />landlocked, kiss the ground<br />woven inside lies & webs<br />can't release yourself to do more<br />even though the yearning spreads and spreads<br /><br />An epic waste of space<br />a loss for words, a death of hope<br />wandering just to do something<br />no other way to try and cope<br /><br />while singing the songs we sing <br />even with the terror that flaps in the night<br />were living the life we lead<br />we are bleeding stars, trying to gain flight urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:5536 2004-04-12T02:54:15Z 2004-04-12T02:54:15Z To strive<br />the unbearable momentum of sitting still<br />which keeps you moving with such thrill<br /><br />To seek<br />theres more where that came from<br />there is always time for look for more<br /><br />To find<br />be the hunter of the insane<br />when you want something, nothing stands in your way<br /><br />Not to yield<br />Keep going when life comes to a hault<br />to just keep going, even when it's your own fault. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:5303 2004-04-08T05:53:08Z 2004-04-08T05:53:08Z my heavens low but the songs the same <br />seems I'm always looking when I hear your name <br />you've been away but don't leave this side <br />seen all of your faces you've tried to hide <br />so I'm sitting here in a train station <br />Lord knows I step with no hesitation<br />Oh I've seen through your lies<br />still I'm one still I'm one to testify and I say <br /> <br />I'll find a way to let you know <br />hold me close when tradewinds blow <br />chances are you're over me, I'll catch that train eventually <br /><br />to the questions that you're asking <br />I've only expected everything <br />these arms of mine are burning <br />as I see, as I see the pages turning <br /><br />I'll find a way to let you know <br />hold me close when tradewinds blow <br />chances are you're over me, I'll catch that train eventually <br /><br />my heavens low but the songs the same <br />seems I'm always looking when I hear your name <br />you've been away but don't leave this side <br />seen all of your faces you've tried to hide <br />so I'm sitting here in a train station <br />Lord knows I step with no hesitation<br />Oh I've seen through your lies<br />still I'm one still I'm one to testify and I say<br /><br />I'll find a way to let you know <br />hold me close when tradewinds blow <br />chances are you're over me, I'll catch that train eventually <br /><br />Said I'm sorry <br />Said I'm sorry<br />I'm a lover<br />I'm a lover who says she's sorry <br />Said I'm sorry <br />Said I'm sorry<br />I'm a lover<br />I'm a lover who says she's sorry <br />Said I'm sorry <br />Said I'm sorry<br />I'm a lover<br />I'm a lover who says she's sorry urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:4954 2004-04-06T00:15:47Z 2004-04-06T00:15:47Z Tommygrl13716305: thanks for loving me for who I was and not taking advantage of me. <br /> darth sheep: ditto :]<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />I love that kid. I'll love him forever. He means a lot to me and is a great friend.<br /><br /><br /><br />13716305: he's a great kid<br /> MaluQT2OOO: ur a gr8 kid!<br /> Tommygrl13716305: hehe thanks you<br /> MaluQT2OOO: welcome<br /> MaluQT2OOO: dont let stupid boys make u feel bad.<br /> Tommygrl13716305: i know<br /> MaluQT2OOO: good!<br /> MaluQT2OOO: ur wonderful!<br /> MaluQT2OOO: and fun to play with...in bed.<br /> Tommygrl13716305: hehe<br /><br /><br />I love Alley too. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:4770 2004-04-02T23:44:17Z 2004-04-02T23:44:17Z you sit there quivering<br />shaking from being so tame<br />when we try to help you<br />you act as if it's just plain<br /><br />plain old nobody<br />you think we get pleasure from your pain?<br />there's not one drop<br />this isn't some stupid game<br /><br />don't you realize<br />your making the mistake now<br />you can't turn back what you said<br />dissaproving eyes wonder around you, oh how.<br /><br />now i'm lost<br />i saw your side<br />then when she was right<br />you sat there and lied<br /><br />lieing - not intentional<br />but you don't understand<br />your not seeing the truth<br />this isn't some stupid plan<br /><br />no plan to hurt you<br />to take pleasure from your pain<br />what is a friendship<br />if it's all some stupid blame<br /><br />what the hell are you thinking<br />I don't want to see you go<br />why are you doing this<br />your going to blow<br /><br />blow you will<br />up into steam<br />pleasure from your pain<br />it's a phoney dream<br /><br />turn back now<br />before it's too late<br />your going to lose her<br />she's finalizing the date<br /><br />going to blow<br />damn right you fucking will<br />it'll be over<br />and you'll feel no sense of thrill<br /><br />so turn back now<br />before it's too late<br />but in a way it's ended<br />your just dead weight. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:4456 2004-03-31T02:43:15Z 2004-03-31T02:44:43Z It seems that there is no gravity up here <br />I suppose it's hard for me to explain <br />Every time I'm holding back <br />It's like backwards rain <br /><br />I feel like my life is on one single string <br />and i'm wrapped around this little ring<br />I just feel like getting free and flying around<br />but it seems my wings won't let me leave the ground<br /><br />I keep trying to fly, working it is not<br />and it's surpressing my mood<br />I hate sitting here now, I feel tied in a knot<br />not picking up any altitude <br /><br />I guess i'll just settle down now, no chance for anything else<br />underneath this beautiful moon<br />there's nothing left to do here, i have no other choice<br />except sit here and swoon urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:4337 2004-03-31T02:21:27Z 2004-03-31T02:21:27Z I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons<br />Finally content with a past I regret<br />I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness<br />For once I'm at peace with myself<br />I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long<br />I'm movin' on<br /><br />I've lived in this place and I know all the faces<br />Each one is different but they're always the same<br />They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it<br />They'll never allow me to change<br />But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong<br />I'm movin' on<br /><br />I'm movin' on<br />At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me<br />And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone<br />There comes a time in everyone's life<br />When all you can see are the years passing by<br />And I have made up my mind that those days are gone<br /><br />I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't<br />Stopped to fill up on my way out of town<br />I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't<br />I had to lose everything to find out<br />Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road<br />I'm movin' on urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:3976 2004-03-29T04:04:13Z 2004-03-29T04:04:13Z you'd tell you where I need to go<br />you'd tell you when I need to leave<br />you'd tell you what I need to know<br />you'd tell you who I need to be<br /><br />With you there is a flame<br />one that's everlasting<br />hoping for forever<br />is it too much i'm asking<br /><br />i'm on fire when your near me<br />i'm on fire when you speak<br />i'm on fire trying to figure out your mystery<br /><br />theres a spark of madness<br />of happy and of sorrow<br />i'm on fire<br />oh that's the lighter you borrowed<br /><br />to set me on fire.<br />your one true desire. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:3648 2004-03-26T03:08:03Z 2004-03-26T03:08:03Z No ones here, so I feel like crying<br />weeping out this sadness, inside of me dieing.<br />Your back in my arms again, it's ever so sweet<br />but, holding back, and that makes me weak.<br /><br />My past is stained silver and now I'm covered with gold.<br />Why am I here, if there's nothing to hold?<br />Nothing to contain, no life insurance when I die<br />there's not even someone, to help me when I cry.<br /><br />Continuing my quest, for love and for trust<br />I feel at times like it's going to bust.<br />Shyness is the devil, while talking to you<br />because some of the things I want, that can't get threw.<br /><br />what is it you really want, i'm tired of asking.<br />I'm tried of tring to see threw you, take off your masking.<br />I know you can't forget what i've done, and that takes back lots of unknown fun<br />but please, I want you to love me truly when this is all done. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:3491 2004-03-24T22:08:27Z 2004-03-24T22:10:20Z The world's a stage<br />life as our playhouse<br />containing a different gauge<br />for every other show<br /><br />we'll never truly know<br />why we act this way<br />why we portray these people<br />every single day<br /><br />so we strive to be different<br />but along with the rest<br />we put on our masks<br />and then start the test<br /><br />we'll never know what's<br />going to be tomorrow<br />so we put on our own mise<br />to show our tears and sorrow<br /><br />the day turns to the next<br />we'll read the daily news<br />reading the text<br />but only really to muse<br /><br />the worlds a stage<br />life as our play house<br />we'll be this way for days<br />with no real way out urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:3211 2004-03-24T18:12:15Z 2004-03-24T18:12:15Z All your expectations bury me<br />what you want is a delusion of reality<br />where dimensions collide<br />and the world is seen in black and white<br /><br />you want a hero that doesn't exist<br />a wandering spectre of light and an empathetic transparency<br />your belief system contains fatal contradictions m'dear<br />believe in the unseen you tell me still<br /><br />maybe in my dreaming nights; no never<br />so now your a walking testament to my sleep deprivation<br />sleeping is not for painted illusions<br />nether for the monster under your bed to come out<br /><br />or will your hero save you from that too<br />rather than bless the cracks 'cause they let light in to scare monsters away, its the hero<br />you always were outspoken, expressive, and eloquent<br />maybe you had too much of an expendable youth<br /><br />you're one lonely star m'dear<br />though lonely, you cause much pandemonium in my prodigy<br />does your hero have mechanical wings too<br />are they parallel; just the same as the other side<br /><br />does my hypocritical mystique amuse you<br />why don't you let your hero fix that to<br />what m'dear; he can't<br />he can only save the world<br /><br />my, my does that not surprise my eyes<br />that excuse doesn't work<br />you have a hero that doesn't exist<br />your imaginary friend has had his time for goodbyes; I certainly have urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:2861 2004-03-24T17:35:55Z 2004-03-24T17:35:55Z Spitting up your blood; once again<br />yes; the blood that once contaminated me<br />you entered my world like flock of seagulls<br />swarming like kites trying to find their way in the wind<br /><br />who is this dark and beautiful creature; i needed to know<br />and once i did, you turned into typical waste of space<br />you were this insignificant figure; equivalent to E not PI<br />a distorted reality you gave me<br /><br />my brain is only a place for lost thoughts now<br />because of you<br />fragments of my skull are beginning to fall now<br />because of you<br /><br />i'm drowning in white noise<br />music is the only space between the silences<br />I don't live now; i only kill time<br /><br />no trust is inclined<br />the only option is to make everything go when it's too near<br />every waking hour I imagine your stimulating face<br />what disproportioned malcontentedness I suffer<br /><br />I'll still stand by every statement I stated<br />because of you<br />I learned that I live within the friction of life<br />because of you<br /><br />you taught me how to hate; everyone<br />you taught me how to trust; no one urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:2464 2004-03-24T03:19:27Z 2004-03-24T03:19:27Z Life never did come with a guarantee,<br />did it?<br />Every moment is another chance,<br />or is it?<br /><br />lost in the motion,<br />traveling with-in<br />all we have is <br />the glittering of our imaginations<br /><br />we all have the pursuit and devotion <br />to the pleasure of our senses<br />we all have the chance to be<br />honest,straight forward and unbiased; we just don't choose to be<br /><br />we have consciousness, awakening and even rebirth<br />a celestial spirituality<br />but we choose to have a broken facade<br />and to be drowning in sorrow<br /><br />are we the children of the night<br />with only four ideals<br />happiness, sadness, spirit and vice<br />our dreams seem so real<br /><br />we all have our beauty<br />only some is hidden<br />and even in our containments of solitude<br />empathy never ends <br /><br />so with every cut<br />we expose ourselves to the world<br />everyone is a threat<br />and it's giving us nothing to gain<br /><br />so were lost in the motion<br />that's flowing inside<br />all we have<br />is our imaginations on this wicked ride urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:2248 2004-03-24T02:36:23Z 2004-03-24T02:36:23Z this is how the beautiful decay<br />a dissatisfaction from lack of interest; sorrow<br />shattered expectations<br />they can't explain to people this type of mindframe<br /><br />the girl in the dirty shirt<br />the fantasizing realist<br />the King of all the beautiful monsters<br />the curious, impatient, hetero, obdurate one<br /><br />they all pray that life was just a dream<br />a slow motion, liquid universe<br />it's not, everything is a letter they never sent<br />so they search the shelves <br />for something to hang themselves with<br /><br />translucent dreams<br />unintentional sirens<br />a shifting star in the northern sky<br />when one eight becomes two zeros<br /><br />things that people cant explain<br />they can't explain to people this type of mindframe<br />they are snatching defeat in the jaws of victory<br />while pressing their hearts against a window<br />thinking please wake me up when im done living urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:1840 2004-03-24T01:49:53Z 2004-03-24T01:49:53Z Are you there<br />your gone from my eyes<br />it's as if i'm in a nightmare<br />and it's taking me over in surprise<br /><br /><br />Seeing you when I woke up<br />was a feeling I can't replay<br />just your little sayings like "yup"<br />took away any dismay<br /><br /><br />where are you<br />where have you gone<br />I miss you<br />and your beautiful songs urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:1770 2004-03-23T03:07:46Z 2004-03-23T03:07:46Z The smell of this place<br />Is quite incriminating to me<br />It's an awkward scent<br />As if it's not supposed to be<br /><br /><br />it's as if a parasite <br />has enter my brain<br />slowly turning my life around<br />and driving it insane<br /><br /><br />Gnawing away my passions<br />it's surronding me<br />stealing my fashions<br />suffocating me deeply<br /><br /><br />It's almost as if my heart unwinds me<br />it exposes my deepest secrets<br />this undermines me<br />is this supposed to be happining<br /><br /><br />This leads me to <br />want to be invisible<br />to all concrete exteriors<br />hiding me, so i'm not visible<br /><br /><br />why won't this leave me<br />this awkward incriminating scent<br />it's starting to scare me<br />and i have no chance to repent. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:1287 2004-03-23T02:47:14Z 2004-03-23T02:47:14Z Alphabetizing the world<br />By the oceans roar<br />Cupping up the water<br />Down below the oceans shore<br />Early morning boat rides<br />Fighting the waves<br />Grabbing the winds<br />Hurrying to get in<br />Including the fish<br />Just swimming below<br />Kicking with all my might, then letting go<br />Lay on the deck<br />Moisturizing lotion on the side<br />Nourishing sun enters me<br />On board this tide<br />Promise you won't lose control?<br />Queasy, yes I am feeling<br />Right, to the right<br />Stop, we've hit<br />Tidal waves taking over<br />Under water the ship goes<br />Violently we thrash about<br />Wondering if this is it<br />Xclude any last minute ideas<br />Your gone, I can tell<br />Zealously I watch myself go under. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:1213 2004-03-23T02:32:04Z 2004-03-23T02:32:04Z You should of seen<br />the curse that flew right by you<br />it was a narrow beam<br />slowly you turn away<br /><br />it's like a ghost<br />you can't see but you can feel<br />there he is, hanging from a post<br />he is dead; gone<br /><br />it is done and over <br />nothing to bring us back<br />just watching the scenery<br />gives the people heart attacks<br /><br />why would you do it<br />lift your self asway<br />to hang your head high<br />then through it all away<br /><br />we looked upon you ya'know<br />I thought you always knew<br />I guess that wasn't enough<br />and now we bid you much ado<br /><br />you can never underestimate<br />how people think<br />because you think they have it made<br />but in reality they do sink<br /><br />lower and lower<br />beyond the surface<br />no room to breathe<br />it's over, no one is perfect. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:885 2004-03-23T02:21:15Z 2004-03-23T02:21:15Z Dreamers paradise<br />that's where i want to be<br />dreamers paradise<br />the only true place to be free<br /><br />away from the maddness<br />away from the pain<br />away from the violence<br />there's only everything to gain<br /><br />I close my eyes<br />to drift to sleep<br />this heavenly place<br />is what I long to meet<br /><br />I'd look inside the flowers<br />Blue, red and gold<br />I'd eat the wild blueberries<br />and watch my heart unfold<br /><br />here in dreamers paradise<br />it's as lovely as it seems<br />don't you want to join me<br />see how happily I beam<br /><br />There would be no old photographs<br />There would be time machines<br />that way we could go back<br />to replay our memories<br /><br />dreamers paradise<br />I wish to be yours<br />dreamers paradise<br />please open up your doors urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:529 2004-02-26T20:08:48Z 2004-02-26T20:11:56Z have you felt the madness<br />have you felt the pain<br />have you felt the crazyness inside<br />thats driving you insane<br /><br />have you felt the beauty<br />the love of it all<br />or have you felt the pain<br />in which you still try to stand tall<br /><br />have you felt the love<br />that was thrown away<br />have you felt the glory<br />when you won that day<br /><br />have you felt the sadness<br />of when he passed away<br />or have you felt ignored<br />when your face was doored.<br /><br />have you felt a feeling<br />real, true or sincere<br />have you really loved it<br />or were you slightly near<br /><br />and if you have <br />you've felt something real<br />nothing insecure like a random fad<br />i'd let you feel.<br /><br />If I could let you see with my eyes<br />you could see everything. to me urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:diducatch22:509 2004-02-26T20:00:29Z 2004-02-26T20:00:29Z if i ever update this. this would be cool.